The Intimacy Lure, Balancing Hormones and the HeadAs I had my early morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column caught my eye. A reader composed in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to get love, and males use love to obtain sex." This is a terrific summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap resembles the Love Trap, where songs analyze excellent sex as love. But those who fall into the Sex Trap go even further due to the fact that for these songs, making love brings tremendous significance and repercussions.
Songs fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:
A.they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex readies then the relationship will ready as well).
B.more frequently, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both previously level-headed songs consider themselves a dedicated couple as soon as they have sex.
Rather than looking at whether this other person may be a match on levels other than physical attraction-- such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants-- they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to communicate with truth when all those hormones are running wild. Our body reacts to someone we are brought in to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases libido), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are brought in to very difficult to resist. After orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce feelings), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical responses are involuntary and strong , resulting in effective feelings of destination, enjoyment, nearness, love, and well-being .
However when problems develop, those who fall into the Sex Trap typically rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got issues, but the sex is great!" They more than likely wouldn't confess it, however they focus on physical intimacy and concern the rest as optional. Their main hunting tools are sexual destination and physical important source compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works mostly with gay guys, states that many of his customers have fallen under the Sex Trap.
" For gay males specifically in metropolitan locations, sex is readily offered, which in itself is a trap," North states. "In addition, the culture, with its focus on physical look, encourages sex. If a possible partner is going to be sexually compatible, many gay males want to discover out from the beginning. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to ready?".
North adds, "I think this is a ' man' thing rather than a 'gay' thing.".
I do desire to mention that chemistry is very important. Yet, chemistry is a considered that we cannot manage in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it needs to be there for the collaboration to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry occur, though in some cases it can grow with time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication diminishes and reality hits.
To avoid the Sex Trap, you should stabilize your heart (and hormonal agents) with your head. This means combining chemistry with sound judgment. While good sex is essential for a sustainable relationship, you have to make your partner options by paying complete focus on your vision, values, goals, and requirements -- while feeling all those amazing stimulates!